When I was younger I used the “big” three words freely and openly. I love You. It was easy to love someone then, the world was magical and small. But these days I find myself asking,” can I feel LOVE?” And do I…. Feel LOVE? Although I have these thoughts, there’s a part of me that knows I do feel love.
I have passions, I have desires, and I love my dog! I think love should be all consuming. That when you think of what it is or who it is that you love it almost makes you want to cry. I think love should feel like walking on water, almost holy.
Honestly I think I have a hard time trusting people with my feelings. I feel like I have confided in myself for so long that it’s really hard for me to connect with people. Hell, I find it hard to say I love you to my own mom. and when I do say it feels forced and it’s not that I don’t care about her, It’s as if some part of me want to take my feelings and hide them somewhere I wouldn’t be able to find.
I am not the kind of person who wears her heart on her sleeve, instead I locked mine in the most intricate lock and through away the instructions on a how to access it. I think I know the reason I don’t trust people with my heart, but I don’t care to share those at the moment. But I do know that I need to acknowledge them in order for my heart to open up. Then I can be free from this overbearing weight that holds me down every time I want to express how I feel.
Love doesn’t have to be something to hide away from people. Love should be open and free. It should be able to flow like water, fluid and replenishing. I want that.
I know one thing, I am going to start making this change by reaching into the flame of love and hoping I don’t get burned. I have to, It’s a need. In order for me to connect with people, I need to.
I going to start writing every day on how I feel, keeping a journal. I need to stay connected to my feelings. So that way I am not confused about any one or anything. And overall, I will be able to keep an I on my mental health, reflect on my feelings, and understand what it is that I am feeling.